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2010: The Future is Now.

Two thousand and motherfucking TEN?!? The future is now my faithful readers. I command the powers of the internet in my pants. I make ice cream base in an immersion circulator. As a race we fringe on symbiosis with technology; and I can’t wait to realize this next phase of evolution. Anyway, I been busy as shit.  The holidays kicked my ass; and with in-laws in town and hell of prep, plating and me plowing through it all it went by in a pop!  Shit 2009 was a pop, a bang, a blast, dice cast and rolled and truth be told past year was fucking fast. I turned thirty, I got married, I’ve become a half way decent pastry chef and an annoying blogger.  I’ve made some bad-assed desserts and also learned some killer savory food. Pretty standard actually.  Looking to the new year, I’m hoping to step up my game.  Turn it up to eleven so to speak.  I just need to work harder, cleaner.  The desserts will be smaller, more precise.  Flavors? Louder.  Here’s a recipe bitches.  I adapted it from one of the best recipes I’ve learned in a long time.

Graham Cracker Sponge Cake

250 g soft butter

375 g sugar

5 g salt

6 eggs

375 g fine ground graham cracker crumbs.

7.5 g baking powder

100 g A.P. flour

1.  Preheat your convection oven to 300 F.  Spray and line with parchment one half sheet pan.

2.  Cream the butter, sugar and salt light and fluffy in the bowl of a stand mixer.

3.  Weigh the crumbs, baking powder, and flour into a bowl and whisk them together well.

4.  Add the eggs 2 at a time, allowing the batter to fully absorb each addition of eggs.  Scrape the bowl twice during this step.

5.  Scape the bowl again and add the dry ingredients all at once.  Mix the batter on low speed until homogeneous.

6.  Transfer the batter to the prepared pan and bake 12 minutes, rotate the pans, and bake an additional 6 to 8 minutes, or until golden brown and springy.  Use as a base for a no bake cheesecake or serve it warm with a cream cheese ice cream.


Toasted Hazelnut Cake

This here dessert is like a bong hit.  It’s all “Dude, It’ll be all hazelnut, banana and mascarpone, man!”  I based it on an excellent brunch item I had over at Belly Timber, a Stuffed French Toast. It combined house made Nutella, mascarpone, hazelnuts, and a specially made brioche.  It was the first time I ate with David and didn’t have the Chicken Waffle.  Anyway, I make a hazelnut sponge cake, the same recipe I used for the Grilled Almond Cake, I just switched the nuts.  This formula is moist and buttery; and works with any nut.  This dessert is selling well so far, no surprise considering the banana factor.   Maybe a certain Chef will see fit to add her recipe in the comments!  Thanks for your patience with this blog everybody who is still reading.  The web is bloated with food blogs, everybody’s cooking!! The ice cream recipe is one from one of my favorite Chefs, David Lebovitz; author of The Perfect Scoop.


Off Site Dish Up.

We found ourselves perched precariously with too tall speed racks in the back of a pick up.  As the truck’s engine revved ready to pop the curb my mind flashes through this pasts weeks events.  Moving tons of product, slaving mad and crazy hours.  Tarts.  Shit tons of little tartlettes.  Cookies.  Over five hundred; twenty some odd pounds of dough.  White Chocolate Panna Cotta.  Four hundred of them, forty eight at a time.  Cleaning and processing six flats of blueberies. The truck struggling to summit the curb forces me from my reverie, the speed rack tilting, threatening to spill its payload.  Perez and I look at each other, shaking heads.  Wham!! The truck nails a huge rock and we almost lose our shit.  The shits were up on two wheels, I dropped and tucked against our stacks of plates and dug in , gripping.  In that split second I knew I’d lost the load, that I’d blew the mission.  We braced against the rocking and steadied the racks, cussing and kicking and carrying on.  I felt in that instant…peace.  I’d known it was out of my hands, beyond me.  I couldn’t be more prepared for this event than I was.  I had my product, I had my boy, I knew we had this.  Right until it all was about to fly out of the back of this fucking truck, out of my control.  Thankfully, none of that happened.  The truck rocked back level, the speed racks clunked upright.  We rolled silently over the grass to the plating area.  We had a few hours earlier spread the custards out onto about a dozen sheet pans, each on a little square of acetate; easy to slide off onto chilled plates.  They thawed slowly in the fridge for about three hours, and finished perfectly in the spanking afternoon sun.  The entire plating, 275 plates in the end, took about eighteen minutes.  We had so many hands helping, I just poked around, answering questions and pulling fucked up plates off to be replaced with perfect ones. All said and done, we nailed it.  The silky custards were ice cold but not frozen, the compote thick and rich, the simple essence of blueberry.  We retreated from the heat to the cool of our dorm room to pound tall boys and take a nap.  I slumbered happily elated, stoked to be a chef that day.


That’s Fucking Delicious.

Why is this dessert going nowhere?  I love this dessert.  It’s a tasty refreshing and interesting treat.  I love this.  I love it almost as much as some other complete flops I’ve created. We all know what a float is; a frothy icy treat, simply ice cream and soda.  It’s just got a little twist, a little refreshing surprise.  It’s blackberries, and corn.  That’s right I said fucking corn.  Sweet corn ice cream to be exact, I learned it from a recent mentor.  It pairs great with the blackberries, the little corpuscles bursting and adding their juice.  Corn and berries, who new?  So yeah you plop some of the corn ice cream in a frosty glass, cover it with fresh blackberries and  homemade blackberry syrup, cover it with club soda or sprite, and Robert’s your father’s brother.  I garnish with caramel corn and white chocolate polenta cookies.  A good stir with a long spoon will froth it up and blend the flavors.  It’s not rocket scientist, it’s just good.  I thing people get turned off by corn in ice cream.  People want one flavor: vanilla.  I bet if I changed the ice cream to that specky pod I’d have a frenzy on my hands.  Maybe next week.

Sweet Corn Ice Cream

3 cups half & half
1 cups heavy cream
8  egg yolks
8 oz sugar
2 oz glucose or corn syrup (optional)
6-7, corn cobs, just the cobs.  Slice off the corn kernels and use ‘em for something else, dogg.  You want enough cobs to pack the pot full.
1. Bring the dairy, half the sugar, glucose and the corn cobs to a boil in a pot.  Kill the heat and cover.  After thirty minutes, transfer the liquid, cobs and all to a bucket and chill in and ice bath.  Store overnight in fridge once cool.
2. Next day, strain the cream into a pot.  Bring to a simmer and kill the heat.  Whisk the egg yolks with the remaining sugar until light and frothy.  Temper together the eggs and cream.  Cook to nape.
3.  Cool the ice cream base completely and store it, again, overnight in the fridge.  Trust me it tastes better.
4.  Next day, spin the ice cream according to your maker’s specs.  Freeze an additional two hours in an airtight container in the freezer, enjoy!

Design Process.

I’m a bit of a hack, I must admit.  I mean sure, I got skills.  I’ve got brains. I have a strong undestanding of proper technique, yeah I’ve baked some shit.  I know custards, cookies, cakes, and muffins, I’m sure I could puzzle out a turkey stuffins. The chessecake hand is strong, the bread pudding, people don’t shut up about it. What I’m trying to say here kids is I’ve cooked a bit, I’ve spent some time baking.  Having said all that, I’m kind of a hack.  I hack my way through plated desserts.  I’m like a blunt instrument swung lamely; a dull machete rampage in a chandelier shop.  When it comes to innovation, creativity, style, I’ve got a lot to learn.  I don’t have an original bone in my body.  Most of the things I do are bit off someone else, twisted and forced through the filter of someone in the one to five years of experience demographic.  I’m getting better, I think I might be starting to figure it out.  I Google ideas. I read cookbooks, magazines.  I try and eat dessert when I go out.  I write shit down a lot.  Well these days, I just tap it in.  I’ll be on the bus or my bike or whatever and suddenly I’ll think: Grilled Zucchini Bread with Root Beer Ice Cream!!  Into myPhone it goes. I’ve always drawn plates, shapes and squiggles sometimes reverse engineering shapes into flavors.  I like to bounce my ideas off Kate because she has a keen eye for design.  She taught me “plan view;” brilliant!.  I try to come up with something that looks cool and eats well.  I shoot for ninety percent Damn That’s Good and ten percent How’d He Do That?  Most times, it works.  I’ve been hammering out a new summer menu, and I think these are some bad-assed desserts.  I’ve been working with a consultant who asked to remain anonymous, suffice to say this person is a also bad-assed.  One of the best pastry chef’s I have worked with, this person has forced me to create outside my comfort zone, deviate from my normal menu formula.  Oregon produce is so good right now, fruit is everywhere on this one.  Changing desserts this week; stay tuned for more my faithful readers.


Your Mom’s White Chocolate Mousse.

Like most people on Planet Earth do nowadays, I Google a lot of shit.  In fact as of late, I annoyingly bark searches into my hand-held device, and somehow Google finds that shit.  Mostly I get lost on random pics and  silly articles.  YouTube and Hulu of course; Twitter, sure.  Oh yeah and porn, can’t forget about porn.  Often however, I search recipes.  Now there are recipes and there are recipes; but like your mom, this one is HUGE.  This simple ratio can be divided or multiplied to any yield, a supple and smooth mousse for piping or filling.  I’ve tried infusing the cream, I’ve substituted brown butter for half the weight in chocolate.  This versatile recipe is the basic formula for my dulce de leche mousse. I’ve filled cakes and tarts or just scooped it onto a plate.  This particular batch was for rather large off site event a few months ago.  When I was searching for a vessel large enough in which to melt twenty one pounds of chocolate, I didn’t deem it necessary to make certain said vessel had no cracks or holes, which it did.  I poured over a gallon of hot scalding cream into the large square container, then watched white chocolate ganache come oozing out the bottom an onto the floor.  Very unpleasant.  Be sure to double check your equipment always, but especially when working with a recipe of this size.

White Chocolate Mousse

1 gallon 1 qt heavy cream

21 lbs white chocolate

100 grams sheet gelatin

1 1/2 gallons heavy cream

1.  Weigh the gelatin into a bowl and bloom it with cold water.  Drain.  Weigh the chocolate into a large vessel.

2. Heat the first amount of cream to a scald, and pour it over the white chocolate.  Add the gelatin.  Whisk until smooth. Cool to room temp.

3.  Whip the second amount of cream to soft peaks.  Fold into the chocolate mixture.  Chill the mousse thoroughly before use.


Faithful Readers.

For those five or six people that actually read this shit allow me to elucidate, you are not alone!  faithful readers are out there, and they’re making dessert.  This photo here is a version of the Dessert of Last Year; a chocolate flourless cake made by Ms. Jessie Badley, a culinary student and faithful reader.  Apparently the dessert is offered at her cooking college’s restaurant, where it is maued upon with much gusto.  It gives me great pleasure to know that someone is out there among the interwebs reading my screwy ideas and bullshit ramblings.  So pleasured am I in fact, that I will now publish her email without her permission!  Thanks Jessie!!

Hello! I recently found your site online and have become somewhat obsessed. I’ve looked through all your plated desserts and they are beautiful! I am currently enrolled in culinary school as a prospective pastry chef and found your recipe for the chocolate whiskey cake! I am actually making this at school right now for our plated desserts in the restaurant on campus (inspired by your post.)  I just wanted to let you know that its genius. I switched out makers mark for Evan Williams (sour mash) and it tastes amazing!  So I guess I’m writing to thank you for having an awesome blog and such in depth directions and whatnot. not only do I get a giggle out of your words, but I’ve learned a lot! Keep it coming!
As you can see, I’m the shit!  No, wait I’m A shit.  Anyway, thanks to all that might be reading, I hope to hear from more and more of you.  Don’t forget to follow me on twitter, @ slow_lane

Milk Chocolate Cheesecake: BAM!!

As my faithful readers may guess, I hesitate to utter or type the word “bam,” let alone “BAM!”  I find it appropriate here however because of two things.  Firstly, I stole this recipe from none other than the “bam-man” himself, Emeril Lagasse. Second this cheesecake hits you like so many extra handfulls of whatever it may be, BAM! Leaving the audience (you,) asking for more. At first glance, any pastry minded person would wonder at the food processor method and the addition of flour for this cheesecake.  Also, no water bath while baking?  My employer Adam mused that it was no doubt some kind of shortcut or compensation for poor technique.  The likelihood of him being correct doesn’t change the silky texture and pure indulgence of this tangy chocolately treat.  The only thing did I differently was to increase the milk chocolate by 2 ounces.   I use a water bath, too.  I just have to.  I also use a milk-chocolate feuillitine crust after baking and chilling and an oreo cookie round when it hits the plate.  I make the milk chocolate crust by melting the chocolate over a double-bloier, then mixing in enough feuillitine to have a fluid but crunchy texture.  I bet you could use chopped cereal flakes and have similiar results, if you’re having trouble finding the feuillitine. I hate soggy graham cracker crust.  At first I baked it in a square and cut rectangles, but soon switched to the demisphere, which due to gravity actually bakes things into truncated domes.  I glaze them in dark chocolate and pipe the cute little milk chocolate lines.  For sauce I use a blood orange caramel, which balances with he milk chocolate nicely.  When I sauce the plate, I envision the mask of Rorschach from Watchmen, because I’m a silly dreamer.

Emeril Lagasse’s Milk Chocolate Cheesecake

3 pounds cream cheese, softened

2 cups sugar

6 large eggs

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 cup bleached all-purpose flour

Pinch of salt

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

10 ounces milk chocolate, melted

Beat the cream cheese in a food processor until smooth. Add the sugar and process. Add the eggs 1 at a time, running the processor in between each addition. Add the heavy cream, flour, salt, and vanilla and process until smooth, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. With the motor running, add the chocolate in a steady stream. Pour the mixture into the prepared pan. Bake (in a water bath) until the center of the cake sets, about 1 hour and 15 minutes.

Oreo Cookie

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

8 oz soft butter

1 tsp salt

1 tblsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup cocoa powder

2 1/2 cups A.P. Flour

Cream the butter, salt and sugar well, but not to light and fluffy

Sift in the flour and cocoa powder, then mix to form a dough

Cover with plastic and chill at least one hour before rolling on a floured surface and cutting out cookies

Bake at 350 for 12 minutes


Weird Desserts.

In my exploration of flavor combinations, I’ve made up some weird desserts.  I mean, for awhile, all I made was weird desserts.  I liked things that were different, that made people think!  At Carlyle I tried to deep fry bread pudding.  It was good.  People didn’t get it.  I put a doughnut on the plate with poached pears.  People didn’t get it.  At ten-01, I’ve refined my style a little bit.  I did less weird, but still unusual.  Twists, if you will.  Well, you can sell that shit to the fucking tourists; people still didn’t get it. Chef Jack taught me to write menus that sounded as good as they tasted.  Chocolate Whiskey Cake with Brown Butter Caramel and Dulche de Leche Ice Cream sounds pretty fucking good.  I have to cook for your demographic.  I have to make desserts that people don’t think about, they just buy.  The average Portland diner isn’t a jaded big city type; used to everything from fried mayonnaise to “weird fish.”  Sure they got behind grassy sage ice cream, but they seem to want desserts well inside the comfort zone.  Vanilla Creme Brulee.  Pear fritters.  I sell more ice cream then anything else.  I’ve got a new cheesecake; which is going over well, but I find my plating skills have hit a plateau.  At least dessert of last year is off.  I’ve enjoyed some banquet dessert success as well recently.  I need some input…some inspiration.  Fuck, I need some fucking berries already!!


Here’s an Easy One.

straight balls

I love deep frying.  As long as I’m creating dessert menus, there will be a fried item included.  Customers seem to love them, too.  I still have people asking me about the Olive Oil Beignets.  Not every fried dessert I’ve tried has been a huge success.  The funnel cakes turned out to be just OK, and the brown butter beignets straight didn’t work.  I mostly base my doughnut ideas on pate choux, because I can pipe them, freeze them and fry from frozen.  This system works well because I normally have to make the batter only once a week.  A simple dipping sauce of creme anglaise or fruit coulis made it a no-brain pick up.  With the lackluster reception of the funnel cakes, I wanted to try something different.  I turned my Googles upon the humble fritter.  The simple, basic recipes I found reminded me right away of pancake batter.  Milk or water, eggs, flour, chemical leavener, flavorings.  I tried a couple of “meh” recipes before choosing the most simple.  A no frills apple fritter formula I found God knows where at God knows what wee hour of the morning through bleary search-engine eyes.  I thought this recipe was the most tweakable, and slightly tweak I did.  The original recipe called for milk as the liquid, and apples for the fruit.  I wanted to use pears, because I originally had bleu cheese in mind for the sauce.  I ended up using pear puree for half of the liquid volume (instead of all milk,) because the fruit flavor was faint at best.  I also tossed the diced pears in more pear puree, just to seal the deal.  These steaming balls of fried tree fruit batter are delicious.  Hot from the fryer they get tossed in cinnamon sugar, the smell is heady, as in it turns heads in the kitchen.  At this point, I started working on the sauce.  My first idea was a honey-roquefort creme anglaise.  Blue cheese and pears are thick as thieves, right?  A famous pearing pairing.  I bounced the idea off of Chef and he suggested I use Gorgonzola Dolce. I put together the simple custard based on David Lebovitz’s ice recipe in The Perfect Scoop. Spooning the warm cream into my mouth I almost puked.  The funky foot taste filled my sinus and the too sweet eggyness turned my stomach.  I stashed it in my low boy.  Somebody was getting got with that stinky mess.  It turned out to be Perez.  I called him over once the sauce was cooled to have a taste.  The look on his face was priceless.  Slowly nodding his head and trying not to grimace, he looked like as if he was going to spit it out, but didn’t want to offend me.  I burst out laughing in his face.  I love cooking.  Even the failures prove to be somehow useful. This is my second experiment with stinky cheese in a dessert, and the second not so good result.  I decided to go with a pear brandy caramel, using local a Clear Creek Distillers product.  Anyway, here’s the recipes. To fry these babies, spoon the batter into a 350 F deep fryer.  When they float to the top, note how they look like The Guardian from Big Trouble in Little China. Fry until golden brown and a knife comes out almost clean.  And watch out for Lo Pan.

Pear Fitters

makes one deep 6 pan

4 eggs

2/3 cup milk

2/3 cup pear puree

4 cups flour

1 cup sugar

1/4 oz salt

1 oz baking powder

4 cups diced pears

pear puree to coat pears

1. Whisk the eggs together with the milk and the pear puree in a large bowl.

2. Sift the dry ingredients into the bowl and mix to combine with a wooden spoon.

3. Dice the pears into a seperate bowl and toss them with enough pear puree to generously coat.

4. Fold the pears into the batter and either fry at 350 F until golden brown, or refigerate up to five days.

Pear Brandy Caramel

1 lb 8 oz sugar

10 oz corn syrup

10 oz butter

3 cups heavy cream

1/2 cup Clear Creek Pear Brandy (don’t sub the cheap shit)

1.  Caramelize the sugar and the corn syrup to a rich amber color.

2. Whisk in the butter, take care with the bubbling and frothing.

3. Whisk in the cream and return to a boil.

4. Remove from the heat and cool to room temperature, then whisk in the pear brandy.  Serve warm or store up to 1 month in the refigerator.